I want an old fashion relationship. I want a relationship where it’s not just about sex. I want a relationship where you can sit with the other person and do absolutely nothing and have a good time. I want a relationship where the guy makes plans to take you on dates, instead of trying to get in your pants. I want a someone that I can also call my bestfriend. I want someone I can trust and relay on. I want someone I can cuddle with and watch movies for hours. I want someone that calls me beautiful instead of hot or sexy. I want someone that can tell when something is bothering me just by looking at me. I want someone that is going to make people jealous because their so amazing. I just want someone that I can give my heart too and I know they won’t hurt me.

Looking back at everything we’ve been through made me realize that what we had might of been that we were just used to each other. It’s sad to think that, was I just happy I found someone I was comfortable around or someone that accepts me for who am I’m ? or was it something more then that. I’ve never been put through a situation where someone has hurt me and used me that bad. It hurts to know that they didn’t care about how you would feel. People make mistakes, but they don’t deserve second chances if they keep making mistakes over and over, when they claimed they “changed”. Sometimes all you have to do is too let go and move on. Caring about someone isn’t a mistake but caring about the wrong person is. Which is why you shouldn’t lead them on. Everyone deserves happiness and the only way people get theirs I’d if they find someone who actually knows how to treat them. Things aren’t suppose to end this way. But sometimes you have to stop listening to your heart and start listening to your brain. Everything happens for a reason and things have there own way of getting better.

Ugh idk where to start, I miss the person your were….well who I thought you were. Honestly I thought you would change for me cause you did say you “love me” but I guess I was wrong, there’s no such thing as love, at least not after what I’ve been put through. I just realized that I gave you so many chances and you should have used any of those to make things better but you didn’t. You used my kindness and stupid me I gave you all these chances since I loved you. I never loved anyone as much as I loved you. You got me to a point were I can’t stand you. I Hate that you used me like that. Every time I found out that you’ve been lying to me about something you said that’s the only thing I didn’t know about you. Truth is you just knew what I wanted to hear and said it. Why couldn’t you be that guy you KNEW I wanted? All your lies just got bigger until you did what you said would never do and I’ve never been this hurt in my life. It sucks to know everything we ever had was lies and bullshit cause I thought it was real. It sucks to know that I was living a happy lie. That all sucks, i never thought I’d expect this out of you! The one I loved, why is it that people who love you the most hurt you the most ? I never deserved any of this all I ever did was be loyal and honest with you, yes I’m not perfect but I tried my best. Now I have to go to bed thinking replaying what happened and crying. I should have stayed away from you when my mom told me too. You got what you wanted from me and you broke my heart, I think you did enough damage to me. It’s Time for me to move on.

Every time I think about what happened makes me mad and i get heated all over again. now that I found out I wish I never did because it ruined everything. I was happy about how things were but once you realize everything you ever wished for or thought made you happy is a lie it’s disappointing. It really hurts when you realize that. Your never going to know how to get past this point no matter how hard you try. It’s hard….. It really is, part of me wants to move on and try to live life to the fullest, but another part of me wants to hold on to that one thing, the hardest thing a person my ever do is fight with themselves because you never really know what you want ? Your constantly arguing with yourself about what things could have been or what is best for you.

I hope things find it’s own ways. I really don’t want to think about it, the more thinking I do the more, the more I don’t know what to do. Over thinking can really fuck up so much things, but at the end you just hope you make the right choose. So until I know what I really want I’m just not gonna think about so much things and wish for the best. Like they say everything happens for a reason, I just hope I find out what’s going to happen and what the reason is.

I’ve always had this habit of thinking about life before I go to sleep. I just lay in my bed, stare at the darkness and think. Think of what I Want to do with my life. Think of what I’m gonna do tomorrow. Think of what I’m gonna wear. Think of that one special person. Write scripts in your head of what you want to happen. Replay amazing moment that happened through out the day. I get so worried about it all, every single one of those random thoughts. I always hope for the best out of everything. I’ve Never layed down without thinking about life and what’s going to happen in the future.

I realize that the more you get older the more You lose friends, why ? Its not cause your a boring person or what ever reason it is but it’s simply for one reason. You realize who your true friends are. I hate people that go to my school. They their all so fake, selfish, and two faced. No one is gonna care about you more then they care about themselves, it’s common sense. High school is Just a time I can’t wait for it to be over, you have to deal with people you don’t Wana deal with. People who throw you under the bus just to save them selves. People acting like there your friend and talk to you, but when you turn around they talk about you and backstab you. Fuck high school and all the stupid bullshit drama it brings to your life. I’m actually trying to do good so I can show most of those people I actually did something good with my life, and I am someone that matters.

No matter how many websites their are out and i like to experience and see whats new, tumblr is the only website i go back too, it the only website i feel like i can post or write whatever i want without being judged on it, its my escape when i don’t have anyone to tell my problems too, i just get on and type, venting my life away ( i do more writing on here then i ever did for school lls -____- ) i feel free to do what i want on here, if you’ve had tumblr for a while and your a “whatever i feel like posting blog” or you just write to vent about anything to me it better then a blog trying to get tumblrfamous, I’m glad that there’s actually a website that does those things for me, it thought me alot, tumblr is the fantasy world i wish to exist because i love everyone on here, they give you the support, their all caring even when they don’t know you, their beautiful people inside and out, i’m glad tumblr and the people on it have been there for me when none off my “friends” haven’t,

i wish i knew whats wrong but i don’t, i wish i knew how to explain it but i can’t, i have so much to say but no words to describe it, i wish you could actually listen to what i have to say instead of just shutting me out when you don’t like what i say, sometimes i wish i never met you just cause i don’t want to be the way i am now, its hard to pretend like I’m strong when in reality I’m falling apart, i want a shoulder to cry on and someone who can give me advice instead of just crying silently in my pillow and no one even know about it, I’ve been good with hiding my feeling about everything, but i was happy when i found someone who i can actually open too, i thought “wow i can finally be myself with the person i love” but i guess i should stopped that since I’m traded like I’m crazy when people know the real me, looks like its back to my old ways……..actually i like you in life and still want you in it, but i wish things can go back to the way they were when everything started and it was what i wished i had forever.

I love going on here, blogging, letting out everything I’ve been holding in, it’s great it’s my escape, but I hate seeing all these beautiful girls my dash, it’s not really “I hate them” but I do get alittle jealous of them, it makes me feel like shit, I wish I can be pretty without taking that hour in the morning, I Wana look decent without make up, I just wish I was as pretty as most of the girls on here.

idk why but i was remembering all of the things we used to do together, and all of our memories together, they were fun actually and we did almost everything together…we had that big fight between us, sometimes i miss what we used to have, you were probably the only person that understood my problems since we were kinda the same, i know things well probably never go back to the same way they were before, it would be hard to even try and do that, but ehh i guess it is what it is, even tho i kinda miss what we had…